Adding up Great!

Happy New Year! 2011 is the first year in a new decade. 01.01.11.

I love numbers and today’s date looks great. So much promise. It starts with Zero and then One, Zero and One again, and for emphasis, One One. Yep! we all start with a clean slate and move forward towards something. Even if it comes to nothing and we have to start again, we will end up with something. It is an apt reminder that every day we start afresh working towards becoming more than who we were. And it all adds up! Eventually the little things we do everyday stack up and add up to a life well-lived.

The trick is not to get discouraged when our efforts seem futile. The big picture is important. We need to set our sights on what we want and who we want to be, and start somewhere. And Today is the first day of the rest of my life! The first day in a new decade. The first day when the world is awaiting and other people are also like me starting anew.

You guessed it. Every day in 2011 will be a good day!!

H A P P Y   N E W   Y E A R !!

Letting Go

Yesterday, my 13 yo waved goodbye as she strode confidently through airport immigration towards the departure gate. She would make a solo journey towards her dream of making music in the land of The Sound of Music. Her young friends all have doting mothers or both parents with them.

Oh the questions I have had to answer. “How can you allow your young child to travel alone?” Simple. I can and I did. She’s fast growing up and she’s with people she knows and I trust. “How can you let her play in her first competition by herself without you there?” Well, I can and I did. She can only play alone anyway and she’ll be fine with her years of experience playing in orchestras and solo. There are many ‘first time’ occasions in all our lives and I have been there most times.  ”What if something happens and you are not there?” Sigh. If something happens, it will happen whether I am there or not. Why worry about ‘what if’? I have long taught her the suite of  ’what-to-do-in-case-of’ drills. And so on …

The unspoken question was really ‘what kind of mother are you that you would allow a young child to travel so far away without you?’  The kind of mother who needs to work really hard to afford her kid’s dream. More importantly, the kind of mother who has worked really really hard to teach the child to fend for herself, to be good and kind, to eat and sleep well, to work and play hard, to love and laugh much,  to pick herself up and try again when she falls, and to know that Mama will always be there when she needs her. And you know what? The kid really does not need me with her on this trip. I know because she told me so.

Like a bird who just discovered her wings, she is ready to fly. She is safe in the company of others around her. She wants to savor her independence. She is excited by the wonder of a dream come true. She is growing up. It is time to let go – for her to test her wings, to taste her freedom, and to feel secure in herself and the love that envelops her.

And so, I waved goodbye to the kid, blew her a kiss and went to the airport bookstore to browse for a while. Then I drove homeward, planning what I would do differently in the next 3 weeks while she is away. Everyday will be a good day – for my precious young lady and for me too!

Finding Self

Recently, an online biz discussion group mulled over this (my answers are in italics after each question)

Q1: What are you doing now that’s going to make a difference in what you’re doing tomorrow? Get enough sleep. Eat well. Exercise. Have FUN. Spend time with loved ones.

Q2: Do you consider the big picture and the hard questions now? Yes I still spend time considering the big picture and hard questions now but not immerse myself totally like I did in the earlier years of my career (old habits die hard).

Q3: Do you tend to push aside the things that require more thought, commitment and real work in favour of what is known, what is easier to tackle and the daily grind?”  Not push aside but I realise that in all the years I’d spent thinking, reading, researching, experimenting, and integrating,  - throwingin my all and working my guts out, climbing higher and going further, I had done so at the expense of the simple joys of everyday mastery and achievement. I am now in favor of dwelling on the known because disdain of familiarity had robbed me of the comfort and security that is so good for my soul. I appreciate the little things that are easy to tackle  as well as the rhythms of  daily life because it makes me feel capable and competent. 

Life does not have to be either-or. I can think deep, long and big on the hard questions while paying attention to the simple things that make my days worth living. I  read voraciously, bombard my brain with the burgeoning online information available, share richly with correspondents and contacts, and still make time for everyday tasks and responsibilities.

No secret formula. Just trying to recapture the promise I made to myself when I was innocent and doe-eyed about que sera sera.  I want and deserve to live in such a way that every day is a good day. Some pointers to my self include: 

1. Be grateful. Say ‘thank you’
2. Do what I do best
3. Add to the tonnage of happiness around me for having lived
4. Don’t take myself too seriously!
5. Other people matter so reach out and touch somebody’s life – one moment at a time
6. Stay resilient and hopeful – what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger
7. Develop my mind – think ahead, learn, read a book, use the internet
8. Nourish my soul – be present, savor life with self & others, serve a higher purpose
9. Nurture my body – do all things in moderation

In short, aim to live fully, love totally, and die peacefully =) then Every day is a Good Day!

a Rant

I don’t  rant very often but tonight I want to. Not about anyone in particular but about the inconvenience that modern conveniences have caused. For instance, I spent TWO hours trying to finalise my ticket purchase for a musical production, using my PayPall account. The whole idea of PayPal is secure transactions without disclosure of confidential financial account information. The production house has decided to make it more convenient for ticket-buyers by introducing online ticket purchase using PayPal. Brilliant match! It’s a dream to be able to spend hard-earned money at the press of the Return key without leaving home and spending money on petrol and parking.

However, my transaction would not go through. I had an unsuccessful transaction. Neither account had anyone to answer my questions. In the old days, we stood at a counter and the ticket-seller took care of every little step of the process needed to get my money over the counter and pass the tickets over to me. Tonight, I looked for a Contact Us link and found none. Then I looked for Help and the info was not helpful to my cause. The thing about ticket reservations is seating preferences. Online ticketing quickens the pace by setting time limits for concluding the transaction. Two hours and many tries later, I had no choice but to give up and try again later. But what about my seat selection?

Every day is a good day. This is just one of the challenges of the age of information and communication technology. C’est la vie!

Deadlines

It is amazing how I manage to do anything on time. I am like Dennis the Menace – getting sidetracked at every turn. I could start out reading a book to do a book review and then a thought would pop into my head to check out a reference and I’d end up reading that other book. When I realise what I’d done, I would get up for a change of pace aka go get a cup of coffee and maybe check on email. Ah! email with links are a time-buster. Once I get on the Web, I truly get entangled and soon before I know it (this is NOT flow that Cziksentmihalyi is talking about) the hours have frittered away. Then I sit myself down to read the original book. For good measure, I open the Word file bookreview.docx and start typing out my scattered thoughts.

How do I get anything done on time? Now you are wondering too. When push comes to shove, deadlines help. I often tell people that if they need something from me, set a date when they expect it. Sometimes they are too polite and say ‘at your convenience’ but I would have none of it because I know myself. My curiosity leads me astray. Deadlines are essential to keep me in check and I honor them when it affects someone else. For instance, client deadlines are non-negotiable. That’s my work ethic. I negotiate when the date and time is being discussed. Only when it comes to editors who want copy in their email box a month before publication. I write near-perfect copy and get away with extended deadlines in these cases. (Notice how I digress even when I write).

With client work or stuff promised to another, I tell myself not to get up or do anything else until it’s finished. So no coffee. No phonecalls. No email. No distraction. No nothing till it’s done. However usually it’s at the eleventh hour. One researcher said that it’s not procrastination but incubation. I start thinking and planning from the time I get the work but only sit down to concretize it when I have expended all effort within the allotted time to get all info and data in. Barry Schwartz did warn me against being a maximizer and that I should satisfice ie good enough is enough. I excel at what I do so the last minute adrenalin rush must be essential to quality in my case. 

With the rest of my life, sometimes I set aside a fixed time for doing something and promise myself a treat when I finish. Usually, I end up giving up the treat  because I have decided to do more than I intended. For instance, cleaning out my workspace can take a whole day instead of two hours.  Move the furniture around. Polish them for a shine. Redecorate. Change the lighting and the color scheme. You get the idea.

Life is short. I have learnt to take time to smell the roses and to allow my consciousness to dwell on a myriad of randomly linked thoughts, ideas, activities, and interactions. It adds flavor and color to my life. I used to work 16 -20 hours a day when all that mattered was work – perfectly turned out work. When I look back, I cannot remember those years – the things I enjoyed, the places I went, the people I met or even how I lived. That’s really sad.

So I have resolved to live in the PRESENT and savor. When it really matters, I keep deadlines. Otherwise I live. Every day then is a good day.

Health-wise

Missed an update yesterday. I went to my cardiologist to keep my annual medical appointment for stress and blood tests. After a week of late nights and bad diet, I thought I might squirm out of this one and postpone the appointment to another day. My hope soared when she told me that she had a packed day and I graciously offered to come another day. Nothing doing. And so, I did the needful – a tube of blood, a plastic vial of urine, and a run on the cardio-treadmill. 

My initial blood pressure reading was higher than the doctor liked. Hey I was running on pure adrenalin after barely 4 hours’ sleep, a 12 hour fast, and a 50 km commute through peak hour morning traffic to make it to the clinic on time. I thought I did pretty good getting up to level 5 out of 6 on my stress test with a healthy reading - better than last year.  My urine sample however did not get the approval of the attending nurse. When I was paying the bill,  the nurse advised ”You should have postponed the tests to when you are feeling your best. Now you have wasted your money”. It made sense at that point and I kicked myself for not taking better care of myself in the week before. Now my test results would look bad and I wasted my money.

As I mulled over the bad choices I had made re the medical tests, I had an epiphany. The test results might not be good ie representative of a healthy body but hey!~ this is not a school admission or medical assessment for a new job. This would tell me how badly my body was suffering when I am at my worse. What a revelation! It is not money wasted.

That insight lifted me. I came home and plopped into bed and slept a record 16 hours. Now I have reset my sleep pattern, had a wholesome breakfast and lunch, and am ready to continue on the 2010 Age Well Plan I had, over the last quarter, painstakingly researched and planned, taking into account my lifestyle, work commitments, and nutritional preferences. I am looking forward to the test results which will be available in a couple of days.  At the least, I will now see the ‘real’ me.

 Today is the first day of the rest of my life. If how I feel today is an indication of what’s in front of me, every day will be a good day.

Thank you Mama

Mother’s Day. When I was a kid, I put in special effort to let Mom know that she was appreciated, warts and all. Flowers and cards. Small gifts that grew with me over time into more elegant expensive gifts and dinners. Mom was Queen for the day.

Then when I became a mother, I noticed that the people who wished me Happy Mother’s Day were usually mums themselves.  My kid made me messy cut-out hearts hastily colored and clumsily threaded with ribbon, with best-attempt scrawled stock messages  when she was little, with one exception.  An imaginative teacher got the kids to made cards and draw a picture of a sunny day on the outside. On the inside were the lyrics to You are my Sunshine. That one was nice.

Today my kid woke up, gave me a big hug and wished me Happy Mother’s Day before she scuttled off  to get ready for a day packed with music classes. I had to summon her back for a quick kiss. As the day drew on, all thought of Mother’s Day was gone. At 4 pm at the end of a long day on the way home, as she settled into the front passenger seat for a snooze, she casually turned to me and said “Thank you Mama. Today is Mother’s Day and you spent a whole day driving me around and waiting. I am sorry you have to do this because of me“.

It was unexpected straight-from-the-heart acknowledgement, appreciation and recognition from a slow-eyed teenager  who has just learned to drawl (you’ve met similar types, I am sure).  No sweetie. You are my reason for Mother’s Day and  I only get to do this coz  I am your mom.  I love you.   She smiled and dozed off. And then the sun seemed brighter despite the overcast skies. The weariness of the day dropped off. The next two hours of driving seemed like a treat.

William James, the father of modern psychology and a philosopher, once said the deepest principle of human nature is a craving to be appreciated and he was right. When we feel appreciated, even the most mundane chores become gifts of love and service.

Make someone happy – express your gratitude and show your appreciation. Every day is a good day.

Presence

My kid just came home from a school camp for the orchestra, cast and crew of a musical they will be performing later this year. She was excitedly rattling on about the games they played, the fun she had, the rehearsals and jam sessions when she said “Oh Mom, there was this popular artiste from a neighboring country who came to grade the cast’s performance”. What? Grade the performers? You mean, she was observing and giving feedback? “No Mom, she gave them grades”. Oh!

Then she told me that the lady was not dressed for a school camp. What do you mean? “She was over-dressed like a those flashy pop stars, all togged up, and spoke with a fake foreign accent.” Was she nice? “Erm… she’s a bit snooty like she needs to show that she is somebody eg complaining about the air-con being cold and we had to switch it off and sweat … ”. From the mouth of babes.

Some individuals have presence simply by being there.   Then there are some who demand that their presence be felt. The latter speak louder or more affectedly. They sway and they swagger. They feel that they are more important than others and so need the others to behave as if it were true. It seems to me that those who have-not often feel the need to prove that they have. The real McCoy simply IS and that’s enough.

We have a choice – either to feel aggrieved or to recognise the pretenders’ insecurity and let live.  Rather than vie for significance, we can choose to be just present. 

Every day can be a good day …

Absent present

We have all done this: someone is talking to us, and our mind is wandering elsewhere. Put yourself in the other’s shoes, would you notice that the person you are talking to is present but absent? How would you feel?  Not good, huh? So why do we do to others what we hate others doing to us?

I have spent most of my life – and that’s many many years – trying to get Mum to understand that I only need the facts and not all the juicy he said-she said about events. Mom is very different to me. She does not just tell me something, she weaves in and out of her message, giving me sidebars on past, present, and future as well as real, imagined and wished-for. Do you know someone like that? Or are you like that? It tires me out. Really. So I would tell Mom “please tell me the message first and I will ask you questions if I want to know more“.  Typically, Mom would get mad and leave the narration hanging  - with me no better informed than before.

So I have learned to be nice and listen. It is so hard to stay present. If I just listen passively, I tend to get info overload and my mind gets restless. My strategy is to set an intention to be present  and to engage in turning a dreaded monologue into a fulfilling dialogue. I ask questions to guide the narration and to focus her attention on key issues. And voila! Mom is happy that I am interested in what she is saying. The funny thing is when I have begun to initiate dialogue with her.

Being present definitely builds better relationships as active listening paves the way for better communications and strengthtens bonding.  Every day can be a good day.

Every day can be a good day!

I believe that every day is a good day. Sometimes not-so-good things do happen but the fact remains that every day can be a good day. How so?

Take for instance my day today. I woke up bright and early at the crack of dawn to get ready for my 35km commute to meet a business associate. Just as I was dragging myself out of bed after letting the alarm ring for a good 15 minutes, I received a text message telling me that the early morning meeting would have to be moved till the end of the day. Anyone who has ever tried to arouse me from sleep knows the agony I have suffered to wake up so early. The irony is once I wake, I cannot go back to sleep till bedtime.

So what’s so good about that? I got up and spent an hour studying the scriptures, had a healthy breakfast and chatted with Mum – all of which I normally don’t do because I always wake up just in time to go anywhere in the morning. Then I met with my insurance agent to review various outstanding policy matters and casually asked him to check on my sibling’s policy status. It turned out that the policies had arrears payments long overdue and we had not known about them. To cut a long story sort, my sibling, who has little tolerance for insurance folks, was persuaded to meet my ‘financial planner’ to sort out his policies. Two counts of positive turnarounds.

My next meeting was with my editor. In my hurry, I turned too soon into the parking area and realised too late that I had driven into a pass-only zone. Before I could back out, the auto-gate closed and I was stuck. I had no pass to flash at the thingamagik to open the gate. Great! no one was around. It was raining heavily. So I sat in my car and honked for 15 minutes. People turned around to stare and then went on their own business. It seemed like ages before a security personnel came back with a really unhappy face to zap his card at the machine to let me out. I then drove to the next entrance, parked and walked in the rain for my meeting. It was a good meeting. She also challenged me to start a blog. Time will tell if this is a good thing.

So the morale of a long story is ‘every day can be a good day’. Was I inconvenienced? Not unless I allowed myself to be. The postponed meeting gave me time to do something I really valued. The unexpected discovery of a delinquent account got my usually reluctant sibling to agree to meet the insurance agent. The entry into a private parking zone gave me something uniquely different to think about for 15 minutes. And I had fun writing this first blog entry.

Every day can be a good day when we choose our attitude and response to the people and events that feature in the day!  If you don’t mind, it really does not matter. Carpe diem.